Is this a writing retreat? Am I a Writer?

I commented on another post about writing retreat, and I realized that - yes - I do actually treat this 16 day vacation in Bangkok as a damned writing retreat. I set rules for my day to minimize my more hedonistic wishes to just go for more foodfoodfood exploring (I love Thai food), and I have my 2-hour sessions where I just - - write. I think about my text all day, I try to turn things around in my head, I wake up in the middle of the night with some idea, and I jot it down.

On my way to the nearest 7-Eleven in my part of Bangkok, tonight.

The substack things are still here, I still write here, and comment, and read, but I am - I guess - shifting slowly into ever more focus on my own writing.

But - does this make me a “writer”? What does it even mean - to me - to be a writer?

Writing is natural to me, but it has mostly been in the form of journals since age 9, or blogs, endless blog entries. But writing a piece of fiction which is close to 100 pages long, which I am doing now - yikes. Is that who I wish to be?

I know that I am a reader. I read, and I am happy to label myself as a reader. But a writer, it has such a narcissistic feel about it; I can’t quite shake it off. I know that I will manage it, and so on, but yes, that “Ohh, I am a writer, come read what I have to say”. I call BS on it, to be honest. For me, I cannot even force myself to have that attitude very clearly. And yet I do, on the lines and between the lines, because I would like to explore what could come out of discussions about the ideas, or the scenarios.

But no. I never attended any writing courses, and it is a strange thought for me to be here, and write, without having even done the most basic formalistic studies in writing. Because, frankly, I do see form as part of the whole. Function as part of the whole. But I guess my hope is that my reading of all those books, and the writing of all that reflective stuff over the years, somehow bleeds over into my own output. We will see, in 21 days.

Which reminds me to tune out of substack again and go back to my Scrivener file; there is a certain paragraph I am struggling with. So long, fellow writers and readers!